Chapter Three, Part Two
“What are you going to tell people?” Ned asked, wisely dropping the argument. He knew that I was stubborn and contrary. The more he argued, the more I would dig in my heels and hiss at him. “I mean, you can’t tell people that you’re carrying the next savior, can you?”
“I don’t know,” I said, suddenly struck by the enormity of the situation. What was I going to tell people? Obviously, I’d have to tell them I was pregnant, but I’d have to come up with a cover story, wouldn’t I? No way in hell was I going to tell anybody that I was the Mother of God before it was necessary. I liked my freedom, thank you very much, and I didn’t relish the thought of giving it up voluntarily. More to the point, what was I going to tell my mother? Oh, God. She wanted me to have kids, but not out of wedlock. Shit. God wasn’t planning on making me marry someone, was He?
“No, I’m not,” God thundered in my brain. I winced at the volume and silently asked Him to turn it down. “Sorry. Zeke is yakking my ear off so I can’t tell how loudly I’m talking.” Zeke? Talking up a storm. This I had to see. No, I didn’t. I shuddered at the thought of a garrulous Zeke. “I want you to be a single mother. It’s part of the plan.”
“You’ve gone nuts, Lord,” I said silently. Ned and Wind were talking a mile a minute and had no idea that I was having my own private conversation. “What else are You going to burden this child with? You are trying to kill her, aren’t You?”
“No, I’m not. I just need the world to stand up and take notice. You people need to see reason—only something drastic will do. Oops. I must go. Zeke and I need to talk over a few details about the Ukraine. For the record, I was never on Bush’s side, and he was an idiot for trusting Putin. You tell him that if you ever meet him. Oh, and tell him he’s a horrible painter, too.”
“Yeah, right.” I felt God leave me, which still jolted me. I tuned back into the conversation going on between Ned and Wind. Predictably, they were arguing about God. As I had had just about enough of God, I tuned them out and ate my eggs which were getting cold. I gulped down my milk, then refilled my glass. Suddenly, I had a craving for chocolate so I took two truffles out of the fridge and brought them into the living room. Ned and Wind broke off their conversation to turn and stare at me.
“What? I’m craving chocolate. I am eating for two now, you know.” That was going to be one of the only perks about this whole mess—I got to eat as much as I wanted.
“It’s not good for the baby,” Wind said, voicing her disapproval. “Too much caffeine.”
“I hate to break it to you, Wind, but it doesn’t matter with this child.” I patted my stomach as if there was something really there. “God said I could smoke and drink as much as I wanted, so I presume that means I can eat as much chocolate as I want as well. I better, or I’m going to be one big, bad bitch from now until this baby is born.”
“Did She really say that?” Wind asked dubiously.
“Yes, I did,” God boomed down, this time audible to all of us.
“Will You quit that?” I shrieked, my nerves on edge. “I can’t take You dropping in like that! Please!”