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Dogged Ma; chapter eight

Chapter Eight

“Margaret!  Let us in!”  It was Thursday night, and someone was banging at my door.  Shit.  It was Wind and Ned.  Again, somebody had let them in.  I had half a mind to talk to the landlord about the lax security, but it didn’t seem worth the effort.

“Wind, Ned, how nice of you to drop by.”  I pasted a smile on my face as I opened my door.  “Ever hear of phoning first?”

“I’m here to cleanse your apartment,” Wind announced, pushing me aside.  She was wearing a flowing skirt decorated with tarot card figures and a red peasant blouse.  She had a scarf wound around her head, and she was at her most fey.  Ned was trailing her, rolling his eyes at her back.  I would have laughed if I weren’t completely befuddled as to what Wind was saying.  “Ned and I talked it over and decided that it was the devil who’s been talking to you—not God.  That’s why I need to do a cleansing ceremony.”  She opened her bag and dumped the contents of it onto the coffee table in my living room.

“Wind, it wasn’t the devil,” I interposed, eyeing the items with curiosity.  She had sage, tarot cards, a bottle of a clear liquid, and a few other things I couldn’t identify.  “I’ve met Lucifer, so I know it wasn’t him.”  The minute I said that, I wished I hadn’t.  For some reason, I wanted to keep Lucifer to myself.  Me and my big mouth.

“You met the devil?  What’s he like?”  Ned asked, his eyes wide.  “Is he just too gruesome for words?”

“Actually, he’s the best-looking man I’ve ever met,” I said, keeping my voice casual.  I couldn’t fool my two best friends, however, and they exchanged looks of horror.  “After Alan, of course.”  I tried to switch tacks, but they were having none of that.

“You have a crush on the devil?”  Wind asked, clutching her sage to her bosom.

“I didn’t say that,” I protested, feeling a twinge of conscience.  If I were to be absolutely honest, I did have a little crush on the Morningstar.  “I was talking strictly about his physical pulchritude, which is magnificent.”

“What did he want?”  Ned asked, eyeing me with curiosity.  “I mean, Lucifer just doesn’t show up to say hi, does he?”

We all sat down in the living room as I unfolded my tale about meeting Lucifer.  They couldn’t believe I hadn’t told them right away, but they forgave me when I said that I needed time to digest meeting the devil.  What I didn’t tell them was how Lucifer had almost seduced me into revealing what God wanted with me.  I also didn’t divulge God’s warning about what might happen if I took Lucifer up on his offer.  I knew I should have told them everything, but I wanted to keep something to myself.  My entire life had been ripped apart the last few weeks, and I wanted to maintain a vestige of privacy.  At least, that’s what I told myself.

“God, the devil, the Angel of Death, and a protection angel,” Ned mused, looking shell-shocked.  “You’ve had quite the experience, haven’t you?”  He looked as if he was wondering whom I’d meet next.  I did, too, what with the way celestial beings were using my apartment as Grand Central Station.

“I have a date with Ted tomorrow night as well,” I said brightly, trying to change the tenor of the conversation.

“That’s right,” Ned said, brightening as well.  “Wouldn’t it be funny if he turned out to be an alien or something as well?”  The look I shot him said it most definitely would not be funny, thank you very much.

“Who’s Ted?”  Wind asked, looking from Ned to me and back.  That reminded us that we hadn’t told her about the drama on Saturday, so we were off and running.  We told her everything in excruciating detail, and I had Ned howling with my recitation of misdeeds I had committed at said party.  When we reached the part of Ned grappling with his father, well, we all lost it.  It had been terrifying at the time, but it was hysterical in retrospect.  How white trash can you get, wrestling with your father in his living room?  While you’re both wearing tuxes?  It tickled our funny bone to no end.

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Dogged Ma: Chapter two

Chapter Two 

“Ahhh, that feels good.”  I dropped into my tub, thankful for the overflow of bubbles.  I had just come home from working out, and I always treated myself to a bubble bath right after.  It was my reward for working hard, and it was all that got me through the last ten minutes of my workouts.  I closed my eyes, luxuriating.

“Ahem.”  Someone cleared his throat—it was definitely a him—and my eyes flew open in terror.  Standing before me was a man of slight build, but incredibly tall.  He had white-blond hair which flowed down his back and really light blue eyes which were almost white.  He was dressed in a white Armani suit which fit as if it’d been made for him.  If it was an Armani, then it probably was made especially for him.  He looked vaguely like Jason Isaacs as Lucius Malfoy in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, but dressed in white.  I blinked twice, sure that I was hallucinating.  When I realized I wasn’t, I screamed.

“Who the fuck are you?  How the fuck did you get in my bathroom?”  I felt horribly vulnerable being naked in a bathtub with a stranger standing over me.  Granted, I was covered in bubbles, but that didn’t bring me much comfort.  Why the hell hadn’t I brought my cell phone in here as I normally did?  Because I wanted fucking privacy, that’s why.  Never again, damn it.  As these thoughts ran through my head, the man said nothing.  So I tried again.  “Answer me, you sick son of a bitch.  Who the fuck are you?”  I wanted to threaten him, but it was useless.  Anything I said would be an obvious bluff, so I waited to see what he’d do.  Or say.  I wasn’t too picky at this point.

“You’re not going to believe this,” the man said in a low voice.  There was something odd about it.  It didn’t sound quite human, but I couldn’t pinpoint the reason.  “So do me the favor of shutting up while I tell you a little story, OK?”

“As if I have a fucking choice.  How the fuck did you get in here, anyway?”  I racked my brains to remember if I’d locked the door, but I couldn’t recall.  I forgot once in a while, so perhaps it was my fault this lunatic was in my bathroom.  There was a buzzer at the front door, but it was easy enough to con someone into opening the door.  As this man made no move towards me, and I couldn’t do anything else, I resigned myself to hearing what the fucker had to say.

“I am here on a mission.  You are an important part of that mission.  You have no choice in the mission, but I would like you to be willing.”  The man enunciated the words as if he’d grown up watching BBC, though no trace of a British accent was to be found.  Oh, Lord.  I had a crazy on my hands.  I just prayed he wouldn’t rape me or kill me.  Or torture me.  Or make me watch Lifetime movies.  I’d give him all the cash in my house if he would just—

“I don’t want your money,” the man said impatiently, his eyes flashing.  Strange, they turned a dark blue as they flashed before reverting to almost white when they were still.

“Huh?”  I must have said it out loud, though I could have sworn I’d only said it in my head.

“Ok, there isn’t any way to ease into this, so I’m just going to be blunt with you.”  The man paused, looking as if he wished for all the world that he could smoke a cigarette.  I almost offered him one, but something in his face told me he would find the offer objectionable.  “I am God.  You are the chosen one.  I have waited many eons for you, and now, here you are.”  He paused, waiting for a response.  I stared at him, convinced that he was out of his mind.  It took a couple of seconds for what he’d said to sink into my mind, but when it did, I burst out laughing.  I wasn’t scared any more—just confused.

“You’re from one of those reality shows, aren’t you?  Like Punk’d or something like that.  Is Ashton Kutcher hiding outside the door?  You almost had me there.  Me, the chosen one.  Ha, ha, ha.  Very funny.  Now get the fuck out of my apartment.”  I closed my eyes and leaned back.  OK, not the best move with a stranger in my bathroom, but I was exhausted after an especially grueling workout with my merciless trainer, Katya.  Katya was from the former Soviet Union, and she didn’t know the meaning of the word pain.  Or stop, either, for that matter.  Or mercy—

“Margaret, I’m serious.”  The use of my name caught me, and I opened my eyes again.  “Look, I’ll go into your living room so you can get out and put some clothes on.  Then we’ll talk.”  He disappeared before I could say anything, not that I would have because I didn’t know what the fuck to say.  How the hell did this nutjob know who I was?  I slowly got out of the tub, wrapping my robe around me.  I hurried to my bedroom to put on a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt.  I wanted to look unattractive as possible in case this guy was going to try to pounce on me.  Granted, it would have been easier for him to make a move while I was in the tub, but you never knew.  I grabbed my cell phone while I was at it, just in case I had to call 9-1-1.  I took a deep breath and walked out into the living room where the guy was lounging on my couch.  He turned to look at me as I entered.  I tried to determine his age, but he was ageless.

“Sit,” he said, gesturing to the other end of the couch.  The nerve!  Inviting me to sit on my own couch!  Just to be ornery, I sat in the hard-backed chair facing him.

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