“Margaret! Let us in!” It was Thursday night, and someone was banging at my door. Shit. It was Wind and Ned. Again, somebody had let them in. I had half a mind to talk to the landlord about the lax security, but it didn’t seem worth the effort.
“Wind, Ned, how nice of you to drop by.” I pasted a smile on my face as I opened my door. “Ever hear of phoning first?”
“I’m here to cleanse your apartment,” Wind announced, pushing me aside. She was wearing a flowing skirt decorated with tarot card figures and a red peasant blouse. She had a scarf wound around her head, and she was at her most fey. Ned was trailing her, rolling his eyes at her back. I would have laughed if I weren’t completely befuddled as to what Wind was saying. “Ned and I talked it over and decided that it was the devil who’s been talking to you—not God. That’s why I need to do a cleansing ceremony.” She opened her bag and dumped the contents of it onto the coffee table in my living room.
“Wind, it wasn’t the devil,” I interposed, eyeing the items with curiosity. She had sage, tarot cards, a bottle of a clear liquid, and a few other things I couldn’t identify. “I’ve met Lucifer, so I know it wasn’t him.” The minute I said that, I wished I hadn’t. For some reason, I wanted to keep Lucifer to myself. Me and my big mouth.
“You met the devil? What’s he like?” Ned asked, his eyes wide. “Is he just too gruesome for words?”
“Actually, he’s the best-looking man I’ve ever met,” I said, keeping my voice casual. I couldn’t fool my two best friends, however, and they exchanged looks of horror. “After Alan, of course.” I tried to switch tacks, but they were having none of that.
“You have a crush on the devil?” Wind asked, clutching her sage to her bosom.
“I didn’t say that,” I protested, feeling a twinge of conscience. If I were to be absolutely honest, I did have a little crush on the Morningstar. “I was talking strictly about his physical pulchritude, which is magnificent.”
“What did he want?” Ned asked, eyeing me with curiosity. “I mean, Lucifer just doesn’t show up to say hi, does he?”
We all sat down in the living room as I unfolded my tale about meeting Lucifer. They couldn’t believe I hadn’t told them right away, but they forgave me when I said that I needed time to digest meeting the devil. What I didn’t tell them was how Lucifer had almost seduced me into revealing what God wanted with me. I also didn’t divulge God’s warning about what might happen if I took Lucifer up on his offer. I knew I should have told them everything, but I wanted to keep something to myself. My entire life had been ripped apart the last few weeks, and I wanted to maintain a vestige of privacy. At least, that’s what I told myself.
“God, the devil, the Angel of Death, and a protection angel,” Ned mused, looking shell-shocked. “You’ve had quite the experience, haven’t you?” He looked as if he was wondering whom I’d meet next. I did, too, what with the way celestial beings were using my apartment as Grand Central Station.
“I have a date with Ted tomorrow night as well,” I said brightly, trying to change the tenor of the conversation.
“That’s right,” Ned said, brightening as well. “Wouldn’t it be funny if he turned out to be an alien or something as well?” The look I shot him said it most definitely would not be funny, thank you very much.
“Who’s Ted?” Wind asked, looking from Ned to me and back. That reminded us that we hadn’t told her about the drama on Saturday, so we were off and running. We told her everything in excruciating detail, and I had Ned howling with my recitation of misdeeds I had committed at said party. When we reached the part of Ned grappling with his father, well, we all lost it. It had been terrifying at the time, but it was hysterical in retrospect. How white trash can you get, wrestling with your father in his living room? While you’re both wearing tuxes? It tickled our funny bone to no end.