“I’m glad he doesn’t,” I retorted, executing a quick lane change to avoid a yahoo who didn’t seem to know you’re supposed to signal, look, then change lanes in that order. I was using my Bluetooth so I didn’t feel guilty about talking while driving. I just wished other idiots would catch a clue and do the same. Most people were horrible drivers when they had both hands on the wheel. Divide their attention by making them hold onto a phone with one hand, and it was a disaster waiting to happen. “I was thinking of wearing jeans and a t-shirt.” I wasn’t, of course, but I wanted to tweak Ned for having so little faith in me. Just because he was a fashionista didn’t mean that I was some slouch when it came to dressing myself. I knew what colors and lines looked good on me, and I wasn’t afraid to flaunt what I had.
“You wouldn’t! You couldn’t! He’ll take one look at you and run,” Ned moaned, proving once again that he was the drama queen in our relationship.
“Shouldn’t he like me for who I am?” I asked innocently, wanting to see how far I could push Ned.
“Only after he gets to know you,” Ned shrieked, causing me to flinch. Luckily, I wasn’t in the middle of a tricky maneuver, or I’d be in trouble. “Until then, you have to put your best foot forward.”
“Relax,” I said mildly, approaching my apartment building. As usual, I had to look for a place to park as both sides of the street were filled with cars. “I clean up good when I want, and I definitely want.”
“Call me when you get home.” It was an order, not a request, and I decided I better fulfill it this time. I clicked off the phone as I swung into a spot right in front of my apartment. Talk about your karma. God must be looking out for me.
“That was a joke,” I said out loud, not wanting another visit from the Almighty. “In fact, can you not show up tonight at all?” I didn’t think He would as He rarely showed Himself in front of others, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask.
“No problem!” A voice boomed as I unlocked my door. “I wouldn’t want to impede things with Ted.” I ignored Him as I hopped out of my car, fairly confident He wouldn’t talk to me out in the open with the chance of someone coming along. No such luck. “I think you should wear a skirt,” God continued as I walked into my apartment and checked my mail. He didn’t manifest, however, so I was pretty certain I was the only one who could hear His voice. “I gave you a nice pair of legs, and it wouldn’t hurt you to show them once in a while.”
“TMI,” I muttered under my breath. A passing woman gave me a strange glance but looked away when she saw I had caught her. I didn’t need to know what God thought of my legs or any other part of my anatomy, thank you very much. I flipped through my mail, saw it was mostly junk, then went up to my apartment. God was silent, so I assumed He had gone. I couldn’t feel Him all the time these days which really put me on edge. He was easier to take when I knew for sure He was around.
“I’m still here,” God said, materializing as soon as I entered my apartment. In copper this time, which made Him look like a giant penny. “Now, remember, you have a tendency to get overly talkative when you meet someone you really like. Give Ted a chance to talk about himself before filling him in on your life story. Guys like a bit of mystery in their women, so don’t give everything away at once.”
“What, You’re my relationship coach now?” I asked sharply, tossing my purse on the living room couch. “Do You mind? I want to take a shower before I go out tonight.”
“Good idea,” God said, disappearing in an instance. “You go, girl,” I heard from above. The distinct strains of Eminem filled my living room for an instant before falling silent. “Sorry about that.”